the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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