I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
