He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
