Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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