then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
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He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
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Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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