It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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