dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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