hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We left the knife in your bed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
