I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
