1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
