The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
