Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
