I CAN MOONWALK!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
