Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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