i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
