Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
