Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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