Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
