time to smoke my breakfast
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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