party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
