I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right