I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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