new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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