somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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