i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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