But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
this beer tastes like vomit already
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
