I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
