please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm at about main and main street
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
