I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
