capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
