did you get engaged???
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
