WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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