his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i drank out of a bidet.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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