Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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