the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
