just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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