And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
