I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
