I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
