We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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