Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
