i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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