someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
