I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
