i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
