Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize