you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
