There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
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So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
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No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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