Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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