Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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