dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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