is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
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I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
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Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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