fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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