The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
He kissed a someone with a penis
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
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... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
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I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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