So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
