I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
