names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
